In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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