Banned from zoo.
Again?
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
