i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
