I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
