I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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