I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
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