Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
my shit smells like andre
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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