quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Randomize
