we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
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