he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
