quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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