i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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