On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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