before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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