hell yes lets make some ravioli
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
