My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
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