all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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