I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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