I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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