Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Randomize
