If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I think my vagina is haunted
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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