One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
