he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize