Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
