saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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