You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
