and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I need to align my fucking chakras
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