i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize