The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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