I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
