he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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