Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
