Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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