i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
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