I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
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