You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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