My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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