there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
