i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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