i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
