I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
