Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
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