Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
We have started to decorate penises.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Randomize
