dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
