What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
