Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
