Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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