Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
