This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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