so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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