i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
