So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Randomize
