and my herpes radar will keep us safe
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
