Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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