I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
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