Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize