Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
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